6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
