why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
