and i looked up. we had an audience...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
