when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
