and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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