this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
