bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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