I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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