I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
