My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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