would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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