I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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