Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
