Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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