god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
