I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
