Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
