I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
