Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
