I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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