I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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