I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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