not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
