sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
