he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
