There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
