i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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