This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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