Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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