Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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