3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
