just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
