I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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