Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
