Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
