Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
