I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
