she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
