I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
