I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
