I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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