I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
