why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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