if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
