watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
