My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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