i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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