you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
