i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
