I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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