Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
