Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
