people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
