some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
