You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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