Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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